It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS