i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
yeah, it was that bad.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
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I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
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I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?