I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy