fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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