I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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