I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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