how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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