My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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