Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
