I swear she didn't look like that last week.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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