Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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