Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
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