Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
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I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
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The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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