oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So many bounce houses so little time
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
