the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
