I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
