make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
