I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
