im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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