I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
