The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
