i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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