just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
