It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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