Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
