Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
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