Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
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I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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