Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
