I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
