You smell like a Billy Joel song
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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