Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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