I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
