When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
