weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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