Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the condom got lost in my hair
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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