At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
