I heard we made out
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
