Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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