That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
