y did u give ur computer a hand job?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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