remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
