Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
