So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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