Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
