why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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