she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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