i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
