It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
