So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
