If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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