Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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