Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
