hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
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It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
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Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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