I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
