Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
