I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Randomize
