guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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