tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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